The Tobacco Trials
"If I cannot smoke in heaven, then I will not go."
- Mark Twain
"Mr. Simpson, the state bar forbids me from promising you a big cash settlement. But just between you and me, I promise you a big cash settlement."
- Lionel Hutz (The Simpsons)
Ah, smoking. Who knew it was bad for us? I thought it was a good thing to have teeth more yellow than Rupaul's wig at a new year's eve party. I thought it was healthy to cough up little black chunks of lung on occasion.
If you've been watching the news lately, you may have seen a pretty good amount of coverage of the Tobacco Industry trial. If you haven't seen anything about it, maybe you need to stop watching "The Real World" or "When Animals attack footwear" or that show with those stupid socks talking to each other for a half an hour and flip over to CNN.
Basically, it's going down like this: 500,000 Florida smokers, through the holes in their tracheas, hired some lawyers to sue the tobacco companies (Philip Morris, Inc., R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Co., and others) for misleading them into getting addicted to smoking. The plantiffs are seeking damages in the amount of 200 billion dollars. 200 billion? Assuming the lawyers scrape about half of that off the top for their own expenses, that's about 200 grand per plaintiff. 200 grand, hmm maybe I should take up smoking.
If I were the judge in this case, I would rent out Joe Robbie stadium (or any big stadium in Florida somewhere), and invite all of the plaintiffs for a little pow-wow to avoid future lawsuits and strains on our already quagmire-esque legal system. I would first pass out pamphlets explaining that drinking anti-freeze, while tasty, is bad for you. I would also conduct several demonstrations showing the negative effects of ramming one's own head into brick walls, as well as a provocative look at why drinking your own urine has detrimental effects on your health. As the multitudes scribbled everything down on their complementary "Be nice, don't slip on ice" notepads, I would feel like I had made a difference. I would feel... good.
Anyway in case you can't tell I'm not putting much weight in the plaintiffs' complaints. We know that smoking is bad for us, but we do it anyway. As the saying goes, "You can't have your cake, and roll it up and smoke it too." It's time for us to grow up and realize that when we do something harmful to ourselves, we are responsible for the damage it does.
Chris